January 24, 2014


Yesterday I attended a resiliency training put together by my ward for all of us military spouses.  They do it twice a month and it is such a blessing to have that as such a great resource for those of us dealing with the craziness of military life.  The best part about it is it can help no matter if you're in the military or any other situation in life.  The topic that was addressed yesterday was fear, or as I interpreted it, "facing your fears."

I was really hesitant to go because I knew I was going to be late and then I knew I was going to have to leave early.  I got this prompting to go anyway and I'm so glad I followed that.  I really needed to hear the things the instructor talked about and the things that were discussed with the other ladies in the group.  I feel like I have so many fears rolling around in my head right now that I'm almost numb to what is going on around me.  The hardest part is I don't really know what I'm afraid of.  Maybe it's just the stress of a bunch of little things boiled down to, "I'm going to do it wrong."

On the bright side, the resiliency training really helped me see how all these things I'm fearing aren't really as bad as they seem.  Yes, they can be real and difficult, but I have resources to get me through.

One of my biggest fears right now is whether Brett and I are making the right decision about him getting out of the military this summer.  He has a job lined up, but we still have the option to re-enlist up until his official separation date in July.  On the one hand, if he gets out of the Air Force, he's free to explore job options anywhere he'd like to go if we just don't want to be in Maryland any longer.  There's definitely a lot of pressure to choose that route.  On the other hand, if he re-enlists, there is a lot more job security, but at the expense of being subject to wherever the Air Force wants us to be.  We have some say in where we would like to go, but not much.  In some ways, that's not so bad.

I am constantly running a "pro's and con's" list through my head and I can never come to a clear winner.  I pray and I pray for guidance and clarity, but I still have yet to find peace in either of the options.  Sometimes I think that I have that peaceful feeling with re-enlisting, but then I feel like I have only come to that because it is the "safe" choice, the "comfortable" route to take because we know what to expect if we head down that road.  On the other hand, if that is the right choice, I feel guilty because for so long our plan has been to get out of the military, move back west, and finally be settled in one place.  I feel like we'd be breaking a promise or something.  I don't know who that promise was made to, exactly, but I feel like we'd be letting someone down somehow.

So, that's just one of the fears I'm facing right now.  Maybe I'll write about some others in my attempt to "face them," but for now, any advice or insight into this big one is most welcome.

IMG_5783bw, © AmberWall
(This photo I took a couple of weeks ago seemed fitting for this post for some reason.  I guess the thought of seeing those birds flying through the fog reminded me of what I need to do.  Just keep going and at some point the way will seem clear.)

1 Happy Thoughts:

Jeni Allen said...

Amber, what a hard decision. It was so hard for us to make that decision as well. I'll tell you my two cents worth. I absolutely loved being in the military. It was safe, it was responsible and I felt taken care of. But we took that leap and Craig separated. It was so hard for me, less hard for him. He seems to have more faith then me. We have been so blessed out of the military too. It is such a personal decision. We finally decided we wanted more control over whether he would be gone or not. He decided he wasn't missing anymore school activities and such. I decided to blindly follow, which is very, very, very hard for me to do. But in the end, it worked out better then I ever thought possible. Follow your heart. Both decisions are good decisions.